NONline Dating
by Bicksinator
Summary: [Modern] Bickslow spends a lot of time online, scrolling through most popular social sites in between writing articles for an online parody news site. Deciding he needed some entertainment in his life, he decides to try nonline dating: in where he signs up for dating sites only to spend more time fucking with people than actually finding someone to date.
1. Chapter 1

A rather large sigh followed the squeaking of an old computer chair, was the most common set of noises in Bickslow's small studio apartment. Second most heard, was food being made or coffee being brewed, or groaning accompanied by the cracking of a spine. Least heard though, was the sound of actual typing on a keyboard, despite making _most_ of his money from writing parody news articles online, he found he had an almost constant cockblock for writing. Opting instead to scroll through whatever social media happened to be next in line to be scrolled through. His open tabs in his browser never changed, and he would switch between them every five or so minutes when he'd read all the updates. Always the same sites, one after the other, the same 20 minutes over and over, every day. To spice things up, he'd throw in a little PornHub every few hours, but the kinks never got to him, or he'd seen it already.

He'd been scrolling through one of the sites, when something caught his eye. An article on... _online dating_? He groaned, but clicked on it anyways. Anything to occupy his time for a few more minutes. Reading through the article he couldn't help but chuckle, he thought it a foolish thing to waste time trying to find someone through the internet. Sure, he'd met a couple good friends, and he kept in contact with them; but he believed finding a significant other was a little far fetched. Though, the article had given him an idea. Most online dating sites were full of people looking simply for a hook up, and what fun would it be to fuck with a few horny girls (and maybe some of the guys for shits and giggles).

So after researching the most popular dating sites he went and signed up for a couple. Twenty minutes in and no one had bothered to talk to him, "send him love" or view his profile even. Grimacing, he thought it was probably a stupid idea anyways, he was confident in himself as a man but didn't think there'd be that many people into him. He scrolled through the _online_ category of persons, eyebrows raising only when a profile picture was of a girl almost completely naked - not because she was hot, he was just blown away by the vanity of some women. Scrolling a bit further, he started to notice that a lot of the more popular and sought after women had really racy profile pictures. He raised an eyebrow to that, and curiosity got to him as he switched his preferences to men and noticed right away the most popular profiles being men with pictures of their abs. Not so much their faces, but _abs_.

Another 10 minutes, and a lot of bathroom selfies later, Bickslow's inbox was littered with woman asking him for kik or other anonymous messaging apps. He sighed in satisfaction, leaning back in his chair he sipped on the coffee that was still on his desk from this morning (that he'd admittedly forgotten about until moments ago). A smirk on his lips as notifications kept popping up on the screen, and he couldn't help but gloat to himself a little as so much attention was directed _at_ _him_. Even if it was just because he'd posted a picture of his abs and the girls probably just wanted to get a quick fuck and go on their merry way.

His phone (which he'd forgotten existed for a moment) buzzed on the table beside him, startling him out of his trance. Grabbing it, he'd received a text from Freed, telling him to get outside for once. He peeked out the curtain of the window by his computer desk, indeed it was a nice day. The sun was out, people crowded the sidewalks down below. _I'm sick_. He texted his friend back. Which was a blatant lie, and Freed probably knew it but he wouldn't push him. He turned back to the computer, and decided he had spent enough time admiring the notifications and he should probably start responding to people. Girls. Women. Whoever. He'd fuck with anyone if it gave him entertainment. In elementary school he stuck a whoopee cushion on the chair of the teacher, and then the biggest bully in their grade. The teacher merely shook off the prank, but getting the shit kicked out of him was how he'd met Laxus Dreyar. Somehow, he'd managed to become friends with the guy afterwards, and they still hung out sometimes when Laxus wasn't busy shadowing his grandfather and learning the ropes of the company his family owned. He'd probably text Freed tomorrow, Laxus as well, and see if they'd be down to go to the bar. He'd been cooped up in his apartment for about a week now, and normally he'd be up and jumping out the door to do whatever it was Freed would have suggested but today he _wanted_ to stay glued to his computer screen.

The first girl he decided to message back, had the most Snooki tan he'd seen since Snooki herself. Her eyebrows, admittedly were done quite nicely, he mused about that for a moment before his eyes widened in almost fear at the amount of mascara that caked her eyelashes. "How the fuck do you even hold you eyes open," he muttered to himself, before writing out exactly that and sending it to her. And for the rest of the day, most of the responses he got were bitchy, rude, and some even downright insulting but he couldn't help but laugh. Most of the people just set themselves up for it. Eventually, the notifications stopped coming in fast, and he found himself refreshing the inbox page every 30 seconds to see if there was anything new.

Boredom struck again, and he groaned. Wishing he'd never taken up the idea, and had just gone and done whatever it was Freed wanted to do. Surely it wouldn't have gotten boring this quickly. He went back to scrolling through the online category of girls, deciding maybe he should seek out the fun. That idea was quickly shot down when most of the girls didn't even respond. Glancing at the time in the corner of his screen he cringed, nearly one in the morning. No wonder no one was responding, they were probably sleeping like normal people.

"Why would it say they're online then," he spoke to himself again, a small habit he developed when he spent a lot of time in front of his computer. An app maybe? He picked up his phone and went to the app store, and sure enough, there were probably more online dating apps there than sites he could find on his computer. He downloaded the one for the most popular site he'd used that day, logged in and started scrolling from there. Just the same girls, so he turned off the screen and plugged in his phone, making sure it was set to silent. He honestly would have never thought people would take online dating on the go, normally he only used his phone to snapchat absolutely everything he did when he left his apartment, or just the tons of random things he did _in_ his apartment. Such as: screaming at his cat, screaming at his neighbours for screaming at him about him screaming at his cat, quick videos of him opening the fridge and sighing multiple times in a row; he once tied those weird microfibre cloths to the bottom of his feet and mopped his floor like that, snapchatting the entire event with Lady Gaga blasting in the background.

A yawn was his cue that maybe he should go to bed, so he clicked off his computer screen and attempted to navigate across the floor to his bed in complete darkness. Kicking a few things out of his way as he went before flopping onto his mattress. It was a cooler night in the city, the Fall bringing colder and colder nights as the months dragged on. He'd have to start cranking out humorous articles more frequently if he wanted to heat his apartment this winter. He'd heard Freed and Ever talking about how it was supposed to be colder than normal this year. He reached over the edge of his bed and grabbed his comforter, pulling the edges parallel to his body, he then rolled across his bed, effectively wrapping himself into a Bickslow burrito. Satisfied with his position, feet perfectly covered even, he quickly fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

A large crash sounded through the bar, silencing nearly everyone present. Dozens of pairs of eyes zoned in on the same sight: Bickslow, a box of pizza, and Laxus Dreyar covered in beer with Freed Justine fussing over all the spilled liquid. Realizing it was just the regular group (minus Evergreen), most people were quick to turn away, shaking their heads at the mess they always made. Those not used to the antics began whispering amongst themselves: you're allowed to order pizza to the bar? Since when was that a thing? Some awaited the barmaids's shout, to have her usher the disruptive trio out the door but the woman had only looked up long enough to see what the crash was before turning back to what she was doing before, a shake of her head and a smile on her lips. She was used to it - the pizza was new, but she was used to their antics in general, or more specifically _Bickslow's_ antics; Laxus, Freed and Ever were normally victims of the man's mayhem.

"Bickslow! What the _fuck_ are you doing?!" the large man narrowed his eyes at his friend, sometimes he wasn't sure _why_ he had become friends with the jokester. Well, he wasn't even sure if he'd willingly become friends with Bickslow, after he beat the kid to a pulp in elementary school he just started acting like they were buddy-buddy, a reaction no one had ever had to him. At first, he'd tried to deter the kid, giving him any and every reason to _not_ want to be friends with him but he gave up and then just got used to him. Freed, somehow came with Bickslow; a two for one package he'd never ordered but never (successfully) got rid of. He didn't complain (as much) anymore though, except when Bicks did shit like _order a pizza to the bar, and then knock everything off their table because he decided the pizza was more important, and that asking him to move the two large jugs of beer was apparently out of the question_.

Immediately, Bickslow knew he was in deep shit; any time Laxus used his full name he was in shit. Truthfully, he was _slightly_ smashed, and hadn't even considered the actions of just tossing the box of pizza onto the table. There was a pre-cringe, as he knew there would be more yelling to follow. There would be a deal though, there was always a deal cut when Bicks did something stupid that pissed off Laxus. He never really liked it, but as long as he complied it would end the horrific yelling.

"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING - OR WERE YOU EVEN THINKING?" Bickslow merely raised his eyebrows, a slight nod as he did so while the corners of his mouth turned down in admittance, because to answer Laxus' question _no_ he hadn't been, and Laxus already knew that. "Now my fucking pants are wet, and I reek of beer,"

"You would have smelled anyways since you _are_ in a bar, and drinking beer," he was normally smart enough to keep his comments to himself but obviously not when he'd been drinking.

"Excuse me?" Bickslow swore he could hear the clock ticking down to his final moments. _Shut up_.

"Nothing, please continue your angry yelling tantrum," he waved his hand at Laxus in a rounding motion.

"Right," Laxus rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair, a heavy forearm coming to rest on the edge of the table as he stared down his _idiot_ friend. His gaze was unwavering and seemed to pierce Bickslow to his very core, but rather than show his subtle fear he gave a cheeky grin and nodded, urging him to continue. "Half the pizza is mine, and you buy two pitchers of beer,"

The demand was steep, _half the pizza_. That meant he'd have to spit the remaining half with Freed which left him with only a couple slices. Sorrow. Pure sorrow enveloped him as he nodded in defeat. Otherwise, Laxus was going to start throwing punches and Bickslow had decided that this night was _not_ going to end early due to getting the shit kicked out of him. He stood up and all but waltzed over to the barmaid, flinging himself onto the counter and giving Mirajane his signature grin; tongue hanging out and everything.

"Hey, Mirababy, I'm gonna get two pitchers of beer - and could you put it on my tab?"

"Are you sure you need to be drinking any more?" she laughed, and eyebrow raised in wonder at how the man was even standing after all that he'd already had.

"I don't have a choice, spilt beer all over Laxus there and in order to not get another broken nose I gotta buy two pitchers,"

"Ah," she nodded her head in understanding. She'd been working there for almost as long as that friend group had been coming in, and Bicks having to buy extra beer in order to not get pummelled was something that happened at least once a week. "I'm still waiting for the day you don't piss off Laxus so much," she mused, but after how long they'd been friends she didn't think they'd be changing their patterns any time soon.

"You're going to be waiting a _long_ time, baby," he grinned as he picked up the pitchers, clanging them together and he gave a holler, most of the bar returned the raised drinks and hollered just as loud as him. Mirajane couldn't help but laugh to herself, it was going to be another crazy night and she'd be here late without a doubt; but so would Bickslow, and she'd probably be calling him a cab and sending him home when he was too plastered to do it himself. It didn't tire her though, she loved to see the people she'd come to know as friends always have such a great time, and since drinking was never something she enjoyed, making sure they got home was her way of participating.

It was a short walk, but by the time he got back to his table with Freed and Laxus, he'd downed 1/4 of one of the pitchers, and was barely holding onto the one he wasn't drinking from. Freed was quick to grab the container, god knew he didn't want to be cleaning up _another_ spilled pitcher of beer.

"I'm surprised Mirajane let you walk back with them," he muttered, not actually surprised as shit like this happened every time they went out.

"Mirababy trusts me, and she always makes sure I get home, so it's alright," his words were starting to slur at this point, his tongue feeling thicker than normal in his mouth and getting caught in his teeth.

"Are you _sure_ you don't have a crush on the barmaid?" Laxus raised his eyebrow, he never understood his friend's nickname for the woman, and would have preferred if he didn't call her that. He never mentioned his displeasure for the nickname, considering the nickname started long before he developed any interest in the woman.

"Nah man, she's _alllll yooouurrrssss_ ," Bickslow couldn't help but wiggle his eyebrows up and down, clearly insinuating he _knew_.

"No it's alright. It just seems weird you call her Mirababy all the time but you're nothing but friends,"

"No one ever said I couldn't call my friends _baby_ , it's just a social construct that you only refer to a significant other as _baby_. But alas, I shall never find my own, so Mirababy will do - and she gives me beer, so she deserves a sappy nickname,"

"Bicks, Mirajane gives _a lot_ of people beer, it's _her job_ ,"

"So? She's been giving me beer since we started coming here. It's something special man,"

"She gives me beer too but you don't see me, or even Freed, calling her baby,"

"It's _Mira_ baby, and you could if your balls dropped out of your vagina, I'm more than sure as hell she'd agree to a date with you,"

Without warning Laxus' fist flew out and connected with Bickslow's face sending him falling off his chair.

"MY BALLS ARE NOT IN MY VAGINA!" Laxus stood up quickly, and suddenly realizing his choice of words he quickly added, "- AND I DON'T HAVE A VAGINA!" he grabbed the pitcher of beer he'd managed to finish during their conversation and threw it as hard as he could against his friend on the floor.

"OW!" Bicks shouted as the plastic bounced off the top of his head, he scrambled onto his hands and knees and quickly shuffled to hide under the next table, pushing the legs of whoever was sitting there out of the way. "Excuuuuse me," he continued to crawl as fast as he could across the floor, weaving between the tables and legs and chairs as Laxus continued to throw anything he could get his hands on at the scurrying man.

Other customers started getting rowdy, disliking that they were getting caught in the crossfire and within moments the entire bar was filled with people shouting and throwing everything from chairs, to glasses, to smaller people even. Mirajane watched from behind the counter, merely smiling with her chin resting in her hand, glasses whipping by her but never hitting her. Bottles broke on the shelves behind her and she could only chuckle. Leave it to them to always start the bar fights.

"BICKSLOW GET THE FUCK BACK HERE, I'M GOING TO KICK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU," Laxus' booming voice could be heard above everything, accompanied by Bickslow cackling somewhere in the mayhem.

And poor Freed, he was weaving his way through the disaster trying desperately to keep up with Laxus and calm him down. "Laxus! Laxus stop it, it was a joke! SHIT!" he ducked, quickly throwing himself under a table as _another entire table_ landed right where he'd been standing moments ago. He sighed, already feeling the weight of the charges his two friends would be facing the next morning. When it seemed safe enough, if one could find any safe moment in an all out bar brawl, he shot out from under the table and hopped over the bar to join the barmaid who was sitting behind it, taking refuge from everything projectile. He was met with a shot of whiskey, and nodding his thanks to the woman he tossed it back quickly.

"I'm sorry," he knew it wasn't his fault, but always found himself apologizing on the behalf of the two monsters that always started this.

"Oh don't worry about it, you know I don't mind,"

"Still," he motioned behind him, "It's going to be a fucking disaster out there after the police clear everything up, you're going to get stuck cleaning up and it's not even your fault. I think you should start getting _them_ to do the clean up as punishment rather than having them pay charges,"

"Freed, I really don't mind. As long as it's not every weekend they get the whole place in a brawl then I don't mind cleaning up. Besides, every time this happens it's a good excuse to get new tables and chairs. You know how people are when they're drunk, those tables get so dirty so fast, and we go through so many chairs already I'd rather just get whole new sets then start bringing in mismatched furniture,"

"Oh, Mira. You're too kind hearted sometimes," Freed shook his head; they had the same conversation every time Laxus and Bickslow did this.

Both peeked over the edge of the bar, trying to locate the rampaging duo in the mess they'd created. It was hell out there and neither could locate them despite both being above-average in height, and Laxus being the equivalent of a tank with legs. Oddly, there was no Bickslow cackling or Laxus yells either. Looking at each other in confusing they sat back down, only to be startled by the two men in question.

"Sorry,"

"Yeah we're sorry,"

Both were quick to apologize as they used rags to clear out enough space to sit in the mess of broken glass and alcohol.

"What?" Freed stared at them in confusion. Minutes ago Laxus had been thirsting for Bickslow's blood, and now they both were hiding from the mess behind the bar with him and Mirajane. "What did I miss?"

"Natsu's here," they spoke in unison.

"Ah," Freed nodded in understanding.

Natsu, was a pyromaniac they'd gone to high school with. He wasn't nearly as built as Laxus was, but seemed to think he could take on the living mass of muscle. His _flawless plan_ as he liked to call it, was dousing his fists in alcohol and lighting them on fire. He'd done it so many times he'd become nearly unaffected by the heat.

"He hasn't set anything on fire, has he?" Mirajane asked, a worried expression on her face. It was one thing to clean up after a bar fight but Natsu had set fire to a corner of the bar once and _that_ was not something Mira wanted to deal with again.

"Not yet, but I won't be surprised if the first thing that does catch fire is himself," Laxus muttered, trying hard to keep his rather large body as small as possible.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear: the pyro had jumped up onto the counter and was now cackling, his fists completely enveloped by flames.

"FUCKING FIGHT ME LAXUS," he screamed, before practically jumping said man.

Bickslow couldn't help but start cackling, pulling out his phone at lightning speed, snapchat already open as he started filming the flaming bastard wrestling with Laxus, who was trying his hardest to keep the fists _away_ from the alcohol covered floor and himself at the same time.

"MIRA GET THE WATER," Bickslow yelled, figuring as entertaining as it was, it was probably really dangerous, but the woman had already dumped a pail on _both_ Laxus and Natsu.

"Awww, Mira I was just getting fired up,"

"Yeah, and my bar was almost fired up with you, get up and get out seriously,"

At this point, a lot of the other customers had left, deciding it was best to clear out in case the police showed up or the place erupted in flames.

"Wow, I think that's the greatest snapchat story today," Bickslow cackled as he watched the view count on the newest story raise by the second. Replies flooded his snapchat inbox but he never really checked them or even sent snaps to specific people. It was all about the story for him.

"Shut it, Bicks," Laxus practically growled at him.

"SELFIE!" Bickslow had completely ignored his friend, and instead stood up and raised his phone high into the air, his own face just gracing the bottom of the screen and the rest of the destroyed bar behind him. A few of those brave souls who remained all laughed and gave their own smiles for the picture. He saved that one, and decided it should be his new profile picture on that dating app. Opening it up he couldn't help but laugh as the local timeline displayed a few statuses about how there had been a bar downtown get completely destroyed.

He posted his own selfie to the local timeline before making it his profile picture, captioning it _Started another bar fight because why not_. It didn't take long for people to start commenting on the photo, and messages to start filling his inbox again. No one seemed particularly interesting, so he ignored most of the messages and the comments and was about to put his phone away when another notification popped up.

 _Oh god, this reminds me of a friend I used to have. That level of destruction is insane._

He perked an eyebrow, wasn't this supposed to be an online dating platform? Not Facebook. He was pretty sure most people that were looking for dates didn't go around commenting on how things reminded them of someone else. It was intriguing though, so he clicked on the profile of one Lucy Heartfilia.


	3. Chapter 3

Note from the Author:

So, this story itself died. I started college so I've barely had anytime to come back to this or write anything actually. But things are slowing down a little bit, and I figured the least I could do was leave a note for everyone who did like this story. I won't be continuing this story, at least not here. I really enjoy the idea a lot but I didn't put much thought or time into it before, but now I have a general idea of what I'd like to happen. I'll continue this story under a new name, complete with updated first and second chapters. When the time comes I'll post another update with the new story information.


End file.
